Something new

As the old habits fade and new ones begin to rise. My mind comes to stray, no matter the amount of tries.

The building blocks that make me begin to crumple and fall apart. Thus my brain and its trial and error of medications.

1 drug, 2 drug, 3 drug 4. Will ever find myself on the floor, like I found my mother that night she took all four?

What was she looking for when she took all of those pills? Was it to find something new or to kill off what was already there.

Or maybe it was just something new to her… Death. Is that what I’m looking for as well?

To longer feel the pain.. To longer pretend to be okay.. To no longer be afraid to gain.. to no longer live life in the grey.

Maybe one day I’ll stop pressing this ink to paper or my fingers to the keyboard… is this what I want?…

Something new?