Blog

I’m sorry.

I just can’t take it anymore. The constant pain in my chest. The numbness I feel on a daily basis. The fact that no matter what I do, it’s never good enough.

I’m not good enough.

I’m sorry.

The last fight.

Why do I even bother. Each time I get closer to happiness, everything gets taken from me in a bat of an eye.

No matter how hard I try to revert myself from whatever demon posses me, he takes me back. He pushes me down and pins my arms back so I can’t move. He stares at me with those cold, hate-filled eyes and tells me everything that makes me want to kill myself at night.

Every morning I wake up to the “I should’ve done it, why didn’t I do it” thoughts. I should’ve done it. Why don’t I do it.

Everything that goes on around me, keeps pushing me until I can no longer push anymore. It’s getting there. I can no longer push. It’s my last fight.

It’s with myself and I’m losing.

I’ve lost.

Shh..

Why do you always open your mouth? Don’t you know they don’t care? They don’t care what comes out of your mouth. You’re just another girl that happens to pass by.

Each day you’re bounded to what you used to be and trapped by the person you thought was good for you. I no longer feel like myself. I’m just a prisoner in my own life.

Do this, do that, don’t talk like that to me, who do you think you are? Don’t you know I care about you? Don’t you see that I want to marry you, and have kids with you?

You’re nothing but mixed signals that make me want to burrow into myself. Can’t you see what you’re doing to me? Or have you not even noticed who I was when you first walked into my life?

Everyday I question, “why are you still here?” “what are you using me for?” Because everyday, I feel myself getting deeper and deeper into myself to where I can no longer get myself out.

Why are you still here? Is it because you find it comforting that I’m so low in self confidence that I submit myself to you? Let you be the dominate one that controls and watches my every move? Or is it because maybe you do care, not like you even say you do..

But if you cared, why do you let me feel this way when I’ve told you how low I feel and what I’ve been through recently in my life?

Why. Do. You. Let. Me. Feel. This. Way.

It’s alright though.. one day before you actually leave.. I’ll take your handgun, and put a hollow point through my skull so you won’t have to worry about how I feel anymore.

I’ll be as your others. “Ain’t shit”

There’s a reason why I haven’t really told you that I loved you, because each time I want to, you make me feel like I’m worthless. Like I’m nothing. Like I ain’t shit.

You’re right though… I’m a nobody. Never have been…. never will be.

Come back.

With each passing day, I see myself missing you more. My body has thought through all of this time that you were still with me, growing with me.

But you haven’t been, not for a while. My stomach continues to grow and grow as if you had continued to grow. But there’s nothing there anymore.. not since April.

It’s hurts more to see a pregnant woman than it does to see a baby, especially when they’re close to what size you would be by now.

My empty nest continues to fray, and mourn. Oh the person you could’ve been… would’ve been. My heart still hurts knowing you’re not here.

I miss you.

Blue sky

The whirlwind of emotions hurling back. It’s getting harder to breathe. Am I doing this right? Am I good enough?

The pit in my stomach telling me that you’re growing tired of me. Just like all the others before you. What am I doing wrong.. am I just expecting too much?

What is too much.. to want to be happy? To no longer feel this feeling. To no longer feel left in the dark..?

Or maybe it’s because I just live in the dark that I feel this way. I just can’t get out. Each time I do, I dig a bigger hole for myself.

I’m trapped. Nothing is ever good enough. Who knows how long this’ll last. This feeling.

I keep trying to look up, that’s what you’ve always told me to do because I always look down. But why is it whenever I look up, all I see is you.

I still see you in my dreams, whether it’s good or bad. It’s you that i still think of when I wake up at 3 in the morning.

It’s you that I keep wanting to see when I roll over in bed. But you’re not there. You haven’t been for a long time.

I can’t keep lying and saying that I don’t want to see you anymore, whether it’s in real life or in my mind, because I do.

After all the heat subsides from the anger that still resides for you, I’m left calm. I’m left hurt. I’m left confused.

I’m left in tears. No matter what i change, who I meet or what events occur in my life, it’s all the same.

I’m still here with everything you left behind when you made your choice.

I miss you but I can’t anymore. It keeps tearing me apart and I can’t explain to my friends why I just cry randomly.

I can’t tell them why I’m still hung onto you, why each time I look up, a tear sheds and I fall to the floor.

I’ve never hurt this much over someone before and it’s killing me.

I find myself going to the places we used to just park and listen to music together and just talk.

Its a year later and I’m still listening to those songs, expect now they have a different meaning behind them and i torture myself with them.

I torture myself for reminding myself of you, everyday.

And it never stops no matter how hard I try

For my little one

I never saw your twinkling eyes, or touched your precious feet. I never shared a tiny yawn or rocked you fast asleep.

I never kissed your tiny hands, or saw your little smile. I never held you in my arms, but I held your for a while.

Although I never saw your face, or heard your precious laughter; you’re still my child whom I love and will forever after.

Why am I no longer mad at you. Why am I longing for your presence again. Why am I thinking about you constantly again. I should hate you.

I hated you a week ago. Why do you have this pull over me. Why do I let myself be carried by your song.

Everything is almost as it was a year ago. This time we have history. I guess it’s true, history repeats itself.

Why is it this time. Why is it repeating. Are we just pulling on each others toes, or is it because there’s something else.

Are you meant to be in my life? Am I meant to be in yours? Or are we just going to continue fucking with each other until one of us caves.

*old post*