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Goodbye for now.

As time goes by and feelings start to fade, I’m left asking myself “what now”. You’ve left such an impact on my heart, soul and mind that I’m unsure of the next step to make.

You taught me a lot of things about myself that would’ve taken me years to figure out on my own, and I thank you for that.

I thank you for everything you’ve done to and for me as I could never repay you.

As I sit here reminiscing on what used to be, I’m looking at a different face, a different heart beat, a different man.

He’s not and could never be you. But maybe that’s a good thing. You’re the fuel to my fire, and I am the fire that burns within you.

Maybe now, you can learn to love yourself the way you helped me love myself. Maybe now, you can calm that fire.

Hoping that one day, you’ll start to breathe normally again, without all of the ash from the aftermath that was us.

Too much.

It’s becoming too much. As I continue to sink, I should be getting happier, with you by my side.

But instead, I’m drifting further. I finally know why… when I’m with you, I’m unsure what of to do, unsure of what I should think.

I’m unsure because you should be the one who’s able to take my hand and pull me out of the pit that I’ve been in for years.

But instead, I’m drifting further. I feel myself bringing you down with me. I’m back to my old habits.

Making people I start to care for, dislike me for the actions I make. I didn’t want to do this to you, I wanted us to be different than my norm.

But instead, I’m drifting further. As each passing day goes by, my light grows dimmer. When I’m around you, it starts to flicker.. maybe it’ll turn back on for good..

And then you leave my side and it goes back to being dim and hardly lit. It’s getting worse.

I haven’t written about you before now because I’m afraid to, honestly. Every person I’ve written about, leaves. I didn’t want you to.

I started to have feelings for you way too soon, and now I’m hiding them from you. Again, drifting further.

It’s not your fault, I’ve been this way for a while, I shouldn’t have brought you into this… I shouldn’t have told you I was ready.

Even tho I wanted to be so badly. You do make me feel better when I’m around you, but I know I’m not who you need in life. You need someone who matches your energy. Someone who’s actually happy in life..

not someone who thinks of suicide every day and night.

I’m sorry.

Waters

I feel myself sink. Drifting further and further. I was floating for quiet a while, now it’s like someone tied me to a 50 pound rock that’s pulling me to the darkness.

It becomes hard to breathe. Is this it? Will I finally take my last breath. I hope so. The river grabs hold of my tears.

The river dances with my tears as if saying “it’s okay to be hurt, you can still float to the surface.” I do just that. I take my arms that have went limp in the drop and raise them.

Then drop them and repeating this motion.. I feel myself with less pressure by each stroke. Is this it? Am I gonna be okay?

I almost reach the surface until you, the current takes me back under. I’m suffocating. I can’t breathe. You finally took me to the finish line that was welded in my head.

These waters now hold my body. Surrounding me with the cold, sharp words that you possessed it to have. I’m drowning in your sorrow.

My first Mother’s Day.

This day, most moms are so excited to celebrate what made them a mother. Today, I do the opposite and mourn in silence. I have no one to celebrate for.. to celebrate with.

I miss you. More than you’ll ever know. I hope I get to meet you one day. I hope I get to hear your laugh and see your precious smile.

You and your sibling both have my whole heart attached to you guys. Both of you has made me a better person, more cautious.

I now look over my shoulder, so no one hurts me.. so no one hurts you. I’m now careful or the men I choose to have in my life.

Because one day they’ll be your father and if they’re anything like your last, it’ll just be me and you kiddo.

I miss and love you guys with my whole heart and soul. I hope that one day, we’ll meet. 💕

Caffeine and nicotine.

It’s been a while since I’ve seen you. Why can’t I just forget you. Why are you still constantly haunting my mind. Why can’t you just leave.

I stumble onto that smell. Caffeine and nicotine. Those two made up what you were like, besides your cologne. I now hate that smell

I can’t get away from it.. from you. No matter the lengths I take to avoid you and anything that reminds me of the person you once were.

When we first met you said I was as addictive as nicotine. I now understand why.. every time I encounter it, it’s you that I think of.

You are nicotine. The nasty, tar filled cancer that consumes people. The way everyone around you either dies, or quits. The same way one would if they were addicted to nicotine.

I was addicted to you. I couldn’t control it. I was losing myself. It wasn’t until after I saw your effects that I quit you, quit having you in my life.

My withdrawals started out bad, I still craved you everyday, I missed you.. but now that I’m sober from you, all I have is memories of what it was like to be around caffeine and nicotine.

A letter to my unborn children.

So quickly you came into my life. So quickly you two were torn away. Never got the chance to meet you. There’s so much I want to say.

Where there once was joy and happiness, now there’s sadness, guilt, and pain. All these thoughts running though my head. It’s enough to drive me insane.

Though you both only lived 7 short weeks, you two were lived so very much. I wish that I could hold you. I long to feels y’alls touch.

On the fateful nights, my world was ripped from under my feet. I pray that in another life we get the chance to meet.

The open gate.

This past year has been… something. There’s so many things I regret but I wouldn’t be able to feel that regret if i never met you.

Yes, I’m angry and full of hatred towards you but I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at myself for believing every word you said to me to make me fall in love.

But was it love? At one point, it was.. at least for me. I can’t answer that question for you. I don’t even know who are you anymore.

That was probably the point right? To be someone that I’d fall for and learn to love? So you can feel free, even just for a little bit? To open the gate that kept you enclosed?

Like a wild animal, that got out. You ruined everything in your path. Some like you, some found you fascinating and others like me, feared you beyond life itself.

Why did I fear you? Maybe because I knew one day you’d do exactly as you did. You put me in the the gate that held you captive and locked it shut.

Making me question my existence. Leaving me to want to end my life, multiple times. Left me to rot and left me to die.

The gate is now open as you are gone and I have to relearn who I am because I was held captive from the world when I was with you.